im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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