Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
