I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
