I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Randomize
