Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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