I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you're hired as official boob wrangler
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
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