I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
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I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
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Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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