she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Randomize
