she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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