I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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