I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
