If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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