im drinking this country out of the recession.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
So squirting runs in the family.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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