first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
