An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
17 year olds will be the death of me.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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