I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Randomize
