Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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