i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
