Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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