watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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