I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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