Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
