I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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