I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
