Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Randomize
