I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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