Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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