i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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