I think I died a long time ago.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
