I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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