i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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