My hand turned me down
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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