I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
