My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
