he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
