I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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