I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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