There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
