Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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