onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
