You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
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Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
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She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.