just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.