I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.