So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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