While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
