GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
