he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Randomize
