I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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