All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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