tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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