seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
