The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
