i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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