i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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