oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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