I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
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he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
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I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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