I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
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the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
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I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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