fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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