you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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